Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Without Notice

I was recently chatting with a close friend about how crazy it is that we can say “10 years ago…” Doesn’t that seem crazy? I’m 22 years old and I can say that 10 years ago I was doing this or that and the phrase will be somewhat legit. Although, the only stories I have from 10 years ago are that I was still wetting the bed and eating, sleeping and breathing playtime with my Barbies. Yes, I know I was twelve 10 years ago but I was a wee bit behind the status quo of what a 12 year old usually does. I am afraid that in 10 more years I’ll be mumbling to my kids, “20 years ago when I was your age yada yada yada…walked to school barefoot in the snow uphill both ways caring my little brother kinda jazz” They’ll roll their eyes like I did when I was unaware at the preciousness of life. Life really goes by faster than you think.

Next year will be our 5 year class reunion. Whether we decide to get together is beyond me but the fact that I’ve been out of high school for FIVE years is just crazy. It seems just yesterday I was whisked away from my graduation party to the senior keg (cute). Now most in my class are graduating college, finding full-time good paying jobs, buying houses, getting married, having babies…….It’s like jeez louise! Why don’t we all just slow down here for a minute. Why are we all rushing to grow up? It’s a big bad scary world out there! Growing and moving on is definitely not a horrific thing but it’s certainly frightening all the changes I’ve made in 5 years. Am I the only one feeling this way? I don’t even remember that person I was 5 years ago, will I be completely different in 10?

I look back about how dumb I thought my parents were about boys, cars, money, etc. Little did I know that I DIDN’T know it all. That they always had my best interests in mind and were only trying to prepare their naïve 17 year old for the big bad world. I guess jokes on me because the first week I went to college I literally flat-lined on the heart monitor due to stupid adolescent binge drinking. “You can’t handle your alcohol..” Good one – you’re cool. But no, I have a blood disease so 4 drinks to you is 1 to me. Thankfully there were 3 kind young gentlemen that took care of me and brought me to the Emergency Room and then drove to Sioux Falls from Vermillion to make sure I was okay. Thank you again J

My mom got teary-eyed a week ago about it actually. We were talking on our way to pick up her new car about how quickly life can go and she brought up my helicopter ride and how I could have been gone. I said, “Even though I flat-lined I never saw the light!” She said it sounded like I need to work on my ways then (rude)! We then proceeded to go in depth about life and death and I asked if she believed that that kind of miraculous “stuff” happens. She talked about my grandma and how about a month before she left the world she was having a night where we didn’t think she would make it. My grammy said she was greeted by a bright light and all her loved ones that had passed before her were there. She was fighting to come back and so she slipped back into our world with us for a bit longer.

I’m the biggest skeptic in the entire world but my grandma was by no means a crazy church go-er or a bible reader let alone a liar. She led the life that believers should be in awe of and all humans should aspire to be. She was the kind of person who would tell you you looked beautiful if you hadn’t showered in 90 days and smelled like a back alley dumpster and SHE WOULD MEAN IT. She was the kind of person who would give you a dime even if she only had a penny. She had the kindest, gentlest soul in the entire world. I’m not just saying that because she’s no longer with us and most tend to say only the positive things when people are gone. I just honestly cannot think of one bad thing about her. I guess her dentures scared me when they were sitting in their little blush-colored holder staring at me when I’d brush my teeth. (She’d kill me if she knew I posted that-hehe!)

I guess I just can’t get over that fact of how fast time flies and how quick lives can go. If you think about it you could have perhaps died about 10 times already today but it wasn’t “your time.” What makes the end of our life our time? I don’t get it. Why in the middle of a week, in the middle of a life are people just taken? Thomas was in the middle of tons of homework and was stressing about getting it done before that Monday. Finals were on its way and he had lots of end of the semester homework. Why right in the middle of his busy schedule, busy school work, busy not even middle-aged life was he taken? It will never ever make sense. You can plan on living until Monday but one day you’re not going to ya know? So where’s the line between living each day like it’s your last and reality? I know if I knew I was going to die Monday you would not see me at work or doing other silly obligations. You can’t live life being paranoid about your time but you also can’t live it like today's your last but you also can’t live it like you’ll live forever?

Truth is, I could sit here and have tea and crumpits with myself for the rest of my unknowingly long life and try to wrap my head around how short life is, why we go when we do, what my purpose is, why people act the way they do and on and on. I think instead I have to try and fulfill my seemingly normal life to the fullest. To think and learn and grow as a person but try not to dwell on the inevitable.

All I want is to help the world breathe easier because I was here. I want long gray hair wisped back in a loose bun with long sleeved floral dress with tights too tan and large for my legs. I want deep laugh lines emphasizing a pruned face but the same bright blue eyes. I want to sit my tights-tanned rump in a wooden rocking chair on my porch. Rocking hand-in-hand with Matthew, father of my children - papaw to our grandbabies. Slunk together sipping sun tea and watching the sunset laughing about our first encounter and reminiscing of our son's first birthday. I hope it's at the end of this day He takes us together. I hope this is what God has in store for my life. I don't write the story to my life but I do write the story to my dreams.

This wishing and deep thinking goes to show how much I've changed in these 5 short years. My dreams 5 years ago were to get breast implants and make at least $100,000 a year. I just don't know that person anymore. So perhaps it's crazy and contradicting of me to ask the world to slow down - to not grow up because I too have grown without notice.

1 comment:

  1. Amen, sister. Amen. My 8 year high school reunion is coming up and I've had those very same thoughts. Where did the time go? Why am I still here? What do I regret?

    Also, with marriage approaching, Gabe and I have the conversation about what we would do if one of us passed. I always start this conversation--because I'm the worrier. Gabe often refuses to talk about it saying, "We're going to live to be you, 150 and me, 160 and we'll go holding hands. At the exact same time, in our sleep. While snuggling."

    I wish that could be a for certain. But it's not. And I, like you, have spent so much time wondering at how life can be so short and yet often feel so long. Why someone was taken so soon.

    Although I was raised in a very religious background...I'm not quite as religious as I once was. But even throughout all my years, I've never, ever found the answer to "Why". I think you just have to commit to your life + relationships, so that when you or someone you love leaves this earth, your relationship or life was punctuated heavily with passion and love.

    I've just written a book. But suffice it all to say: beautifully written. And I agree. :)