My blog is for my own personal creative energy and to better myself through writing. When I write I do not write to offend others. I would appreciate, especially writing regarding Thomas, that I only see kind words. I cannot apologize for writing how I feel on my own personal site. These are my deepest most personal thoughts and feelings and I’d appreciate if you’d treat them with respect. My mother requested me to quit swearing like a sailor so I will try to write like a Hallmark card just for her. ; )
Most times I feel like music lyrics put into a words and sweet melodies exactly how I feel. Better than I can express myself anyways. Lately I’ve been obsessed with, “The Road I’m On” by 3 Doors Down. The song starts with the lyric, “She said life’s a lot to think about sometimes…” This song, I think, because I recently was having a conversation with someone very close to me and they stated that I need to stop living life thinking so much about death. It’ll eat away at me and I won’t enjoy the journey. I argued that death is what kept me savoring life.
Sometimes I feel as though I am the only person that looks at my loved ones and pictures my life without them. I picture them in a coffin and try to picture myself keeping composure. I play a video in my mind of me continuing to live life without them. This probably sounds sooo unbelievably creepy but I seriously do. This, I’ve found, helps me look at them in a more gentle way. To stop screaming and start loving is the best way I can describe. By thinking about death I saturate myself with life. Literally. I often think to myself about 15 times a day, “I better enjoy this moment, it will never come again.”
Death is inevitable. Someday everyone I(you) love is going to be gone – whether their time comes before or after me(you) everyone I(you) know will be dead someday. Sometimes I just make myself sick with how much I think about things. My biggest fears will someday come true. Nothing prepares you for it. Nothing could ever prepare you for losing your loved ones. It’s beyond frightening but it’s what keeps me looking forward and trying to make the best of daily situations. I definitely find myself to be consumed in every instant (good bad or otherwise).
I have come to find the motto “live like you were dying” is a term that is, what I feel, overlooked and understated. In the way some people say this phrase I feel it’s very ‘on the surface’. Most times I feel like everyone around me is dog-paddling around and I’m snorkeling down by the coral reef. When I say, “live like you were dying” I don’t mean on the weekends, I don’t mean on the holidays. I mean every single minute. Yes, of course we’re all gonna have to work and do things we don’t like but make the best of your day. Smile.
Many times I roll my eyes as to what people worry and stress over. I am NOT saying that there aren’t times in life that aren’t going to stress/worry you because there are too many times! But I want people to stop and think about what their worrying about….is it worth it? This is where I’ve realized some people who betray me or my loved ones aren’t worth my time. They truly aren’t. If I died on the way home I don’t want to spend my last moments worrying about people who honestly, never should have mattered. Stop stressing! It’ll all work out someday.
This sort of reminds me of when I was laughing to myself when I heard that losing a friend that was alive was equivalent to losing a friend to death. I was like, NO! A friend that is alive and “well” and wrongs you is not comparable to a friend who has passed – especially when the friend that has passed would have done anything and everything not to hurt you. That statement, my ‘friend’, is not a very well thought out statement.
I guess this is where the thought of death has brought me. I feel as though I’ve lived 22 years and haven’t accomplished much of anything? Am I the only one who wonders what people associate “my life” with? I know that when people hear or see Disney they think of Brandi but what else? I feel as though I have a beautiful home and a wonderful fiancé and family but I feel as though I’ve just made my way through life being average at almost absolutely everything. Others may think I’m really good at this or that but this is my own personal feeling towards my life. Movie title for my life: Mediocrity. (not idioacracy okay!) J
Along with the thought of death/life comes the thought of bucket lists. Key word: think. Why don’t I do? Sometimes, as much as I soak in the moments with friends and family, I feel as though I’m just watching life from afar while time goes by. I’m tired of watching. I finally feel as though I’m ready to get in the game. How do I start? How do I get out of this rut I’m in and start a new routine? I only have one life to live and I figure that’s enough motivation in itself. I want to slash mediocrity and engrave extraordinary.
What do I plan on doing to start living and stop watching? To slash mediocrity and engrave extraordinary? Hmmm! Well, since I’ve thought a lot about life and what I want to do I have a fairly good idea. I’ve searched many “bucket list” sites and most I find quite comical. I am not going to put “swimming with sharks” or “visiting all the continents” on my list. I have a fairly simple (I think) list. It’s for personal happiness and excitement and most of all; an adventure to push myself and to learn new things. If I fulfill my list, I can do anything.
What are they? Well, this is the thing. I’m not exactly sure what’s on my bucket list. I have only a couple for sure things I want on there so far. I feel as though more will come - some I may even check off before I even put them on my list. Understand?
I promise to document my progress and take pictures of the things I have done. I’ll continue to post on what I’ve added to my list too! Here is what I have so far and a brief description of the steps I am going to take to get there.
To write a book.
(For real! I don’t care if I am the only one to ever read it!)
Steps to get there: I am currently brainstorming ideas as to what I want to write about. What would you guys as viewers (if you were to read my book) love to see from me?
To reach my goal weight.
(I’ve been in a slump. When I went to college I let myself go more or less. I haven’t been eating right or exercising.)
Steps to get there: I will be keeping a daily food journal of what I eat. My mom has a brand new gym (literally) and she only lives 1.4 miles away from me so I will be there everyday. EVERYDAY. I also will be helped by Lindsay Stroschein who is an official Team Beachbody Coach - I will be featuring her soon! She is SOOO great!)
To go on a hot air balloon ride.
(sipping wine in the sunset in a hot air balloon! I love hot air balloons! At least I think I do?? Hehe)
Steps to get there: Well, I need to find out where they have them and how much money I need to save up to get myself a little ride! J
To start my own wedding/event planning business.
(Even if it’s only part time! Name? Add a Little Sparkle Event & Wedding Planning of course!)
Steps to get there: I am enrolling in QC Event and Wedding Planning school! J I will be starting soon!
To shoot a deer
(Adrenaline rush!)
Steps to get there: Matthew and I are currently working on my shot. J He’ll be teachin’ me the ropes!
We live to die. I want to love to live before I die. This is why I’m doing this. To make my life…living.
Stay tuned… :)
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