Insecure

This is how I feel everyday.

Well, if the title isn’t blunt enough…..

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say but couldn’t and wouldn’t. I’m dealing with situations now that I never dreamt I would be. And I don’t want to “sugar coat” (pun intended) the truth about how I feel about myself any longer.

As many of you know, I’m now a Beachbody Coach! I own my own business and help others work towards and REACH their fitness goals. A lot of people have told me they are “watching me” – watching my progress to see how well the fitness program I’ve chosen and Shakeology are working for me.

Well, now that I’m preggers I cannot, in any way, reach the physical goals I had set for myself in the beginning. I feel like I let myself and those around me down in a weird way. I have been going through this realm of emotions – like hourly – that go from excited to nervous to scared to sad.

Excited because I will have a precious (& hopefully healthy) baby boy or girl – (ps: Matt and I are still like, “I can’t believe I’m carrying MATT LENZEN’S baby!” and he’s like, “I cannot believe you are pregnant with MY kid!” – Anyone that knew us from High School can tell you why it’s bizarre. On a side note does anyone remember those silk button up dragon shirts he used to wear? LOL!!)

Nervous and Scared because I know N-O-T-H-I-N-G about motherhood, hanging out with a baby OR the entire human race….how do you raise children to be functional members of society and know won’t turn out to be Hitler or Charles Manson-esque. They had mother’s too ya know!

Sad because I feel like my whole life is about to change. Everything I’ve ever known is going to be so different. My 3 best friends aren’t engaged, pregnant or even dating! I feel like their lives are just beginning and mine is already figured out for me. (This is my selfish hormonal rage…I’m blaming it on that anyways.) I guess that’s what I get for spreading my legs!But again, I’m told it’s worth it.

Anyways, I’m also feeling an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. To be completely honest, I’ve went a long time without admitting how insecure I REALLY am. I never would admit to anyone – myself included – that I hate how I look, feel, etc. I feel FUGLY regardless of what you, my mom or God think.

I feel as though my whole body already looks like cottage cheese and I wanted to look good this summer! I’m horrified as to how I will look and feel this summer and my friends’ weddings. I’m crying thinking about it actually. And I sound so dang selfish!!

I am trying my best to stay positive and I have reevaluated my goals. Because being morbidly obese (that’s fun to say about myself) I can actually lose a tiny bit of weight during pregnancy and be completely fine. My new goal is 4 lbs/month with still eating the right amount of calories for me and baby + exercising safely. I plan on doing my Slim in 6 video which is mostly made up of cardio, resistance training and 100,000 squats. I can do it all minus the ab portion. I also plan on walking and doing a Beachbody baby yoga video later in my pregnancy.)

I guess I just get down because I cannot do what I had my mind set on. I’ve always been known as an extrovert and the past couple years I can REALLY feel my weight has affected that. That’s why anytime someone BEGS me to go to the bar or do this or that I usually make up an excuse as to why I can’t. Sad, but true.

What kind of LIFE is THAT?! That’s NOT how I pictured myself living. That’s why becoming a Beachbody Coach has literally, been the best thing in the ENTIRE universe for me. I never ever would have stuck with eating right/exercising this long. I encourage you to ask me about it! There are amazing opportunities – not only health wise but $ wise!

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to let the world know that I, Brandi Mother-Bleepin’ Carpenter, gets insecure sometimes too. I honestly am my own worst critic. I compare myself to myself. I look at pictures from 4-5 years ago and I think, “How the EFF did I let myself gain 100 lbs????? How the EFF does someone do that?????” I did though and it’s time to face it, slowly conquer it and MOVE on. I’m gonna do it even with this beautiful baby detour!! J

For those of you who are better with visual:

2007

 2011

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!