My Most Personal Letter: Dear World,

Well, since this is my personal site and I can post what I please I have decided I finally am ready to write again. So stop reading here if you 1) don’t like me 2) get offended easily. I will not apologize for writing how I feel on my own personal site. These are my deepest most personal thoughts and feelings and I’d appreciate if you’d treat them with respect.

I usually use writing as an outlet to release all the inner turmoil I’m dealing with. For the past 5 months when I would sit down to write I literally just couldn’t. I couldn’t put into words the hurt in my heart. Most times when I’d want to put in writing how I felt it was as though every centimeter of my body crawled with the sensation of loss that I couldn’t explain. I’d give up and move on.

I’ve written a couple things here and there since Thomas’ death and stuffed them away in a drawer or burned them in the fire pit. I guess I was able to write his mother a 5 page letter for Mother’s Day. I thanked her for bringing a person into this world that Matt and I would never forget – a friend that is matchless…someone truly extraordinary. I personally just thought the letter blew but I gave it to her anyway. I’m trying to get back to explaining how I feel – no matter how hard or what others think. I'm tired of trying to fight back tears pronouncing Thomas' name. It's sickening to me how I've perfected leveling my voice when it wants to shake so badly while I reminisce.

Thomas’ death has really affected me in a way I never thought I would when I pictured myself losing someone so close to me unexpectedly. I was sure when I lost someone I would just freak out, cry and carry on - go crazy externally. This “process” has been very internal for me. I couldn’t cry when I found out. I couldn’t cry at the funeral. People would say “Well, ya know.. sometimes you just cry and cry and can’t cry anymore.” Nope. That wasn’t it. I just couldn’t cry. For those that know me know I’m a crier. I always said I could go to someone’s funeral I didn’t even know and cry like a baby! When it came to one of my best friends – I couldn’t.

5 months later I’ve been just now starting to cry like most did when they first found out. Perhaps the shock has withered? Perhaps my inner mayhem is catching up outwardly? I feel as though I’ve been pushing it off hoping it would be something that would go away on its own – but this isn’t one of those kinda deals. This is a deal where you have to turn around - face it – conquer it. When I say conquer it I mean my feelings. Thomas is a person and the memories that surround him will never be conquered and I’ll always feel some sort of loss or sadness with him being gone even when I’m smiling on all the stupid shit we used to do.

Maybe another reason I’ve taken “so long” (5 months is and isn’t that long all at the same time..) to deal with MY emotions is because I have to make sure to be there for Matt. Even though Thomas and I were really good friends he and Matt were the best of friends. Thomas was one of those friends that was a once in a lifetime kind of find. There will never be another friend that could replace him. Perhaps that’s why when we decided having Tanner (his bro) stand up in honor of him at our wedding and someone telling me that was a PREPOSTEROUS idea made me a little (LOT) peeved. Tanner gladly accepted when we asked him (as long as there was no speech he said – don’t worry Tanner I can talk enough for the both of us!).

I also feel like most people see what I write on Thomas’ wall or update a status and they roll their eyes. I’m not sure if that’s true even at all but that’s how I feel. Like they think we weren’t close? We were. We had a brother/sister / boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We would wrestle and bicker and laugh and snuggle. I guess I don’t have to prove to anyone…I know in my heart we were close. He was just the sweetest… I miss his mannerisms. The way he walked, talked, put his contacts in, messed with his hair (God I feel like a freak! But I do…)

Our house feels very strange without him (even the new one) on the weekends. I miss cooking them supper after a long day of fishing or flinging fire marshmallows at each other or him telling me to “quit my bitchin’” when I was cold ice fishing. I miss everything about him actually.

I especially miss hearing Matt’s laugh like how it was when Thomas was alive. That’s hard too. For awhile Matt and I would get instantly pissed at each other for honestly no reason at all. It would be things like I came home from work and he was on the phone or I didn’t understand how hot it was outside. (Laughing out loud right now about how dumb that sounds). Matt and I both know when we were getting crazy slam-doors and break-plates mad it really wasn’t at each other. We were taking our emotions of madness and sadness out on one another. One night we just sat down and talked about how we really felt….this is when I really started to deal with our loss.

This whole phenomenon has really changed my outlook on existence. I feel I really do view many things differently than countless others. I always (I mean always) put myself in other people’s shoes. I ask myself, “How would I feel if I was that person?” (no really….I go in depth picturing and acting out in my mind how I would feel and how I’d want my loved ones to react).

For instance, how would I feel if my boyfriend at the time cheated on me – ‘unknowingly’ gave me and STD and lied and pretty much broke my heart to pieces? (I put unknowingly in ‘…’ because he knew he cheated so why did STD never cross his mind?) ANYWAYS, I know I would feel like shit (for lack of a better word). I wouldn’t have wanted my friends to handle it like, “oh.my.gosh! how are you even sad LIKE he was SUCH a jerk and totally just a waste of (insert number) years! LIKE LIKE LIKE OMG! Let’s go shopping or something this is boring!” – 

A little exaggerated but no, that’s not how you handle it. You have to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand the pain they’re going through. The definition of the word “friend” means not letting it just let it slide by and like it was no big deal. A friend stands by you, listens to you and helps you get through the pain – whether it takes seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. A friend doesn’t say “whatever happened between you two is between you two.” Put yourselves in their shoes – LISTEN at least if you don’t understand.

I’m a fighter. I will fight for what I believe in…even if I’m standing alone. I believe in being a good, loyal friend who will be there and have your back if you get your heart broken, when you get asked to not be in a “friends” wedding while you’re on your way to the cemetery for the first time/after you’ve already ordered the dress, when you get kicked out of your mom’s house and need help moving your crap out (you have a lot of crap), when you get stuck in a ditch at 4 am and need someone to pull you out, and on and on. Tracy Lawrence was right. You find out who your friends are particularly when you’re at your lowest point. I have found who I trust and don’t trust, who cares and who doesn’t care, who’s going to be there when the going gets unbearable.

I’ve learned to not to just say the cliché phrase of “live everyday like it’s you’re last because you never know when it’s your time” but to really think in depth about that like, No! Today really could be your last day. This kiss with Matt could be our last kiss. This phone call to my dad could be our last. This could be the last hug we have. This, that, etc… You really have to dream like you’re going to live forever but really live like today’s you’re last. Think deep into it. Is this the last impression you want to leave on the world? Is this how you want to leave a phone conversation or a family get together?

Try and enjoy the small things in life. Life isn’t all about the money and the luxury that comes with having money. Life is about people and the way they influence and bring joy to your life. I love people for who they are on the inside regardless of their wealth, appearance or wardrobe. I try to listen and understand even if I don’t. I try to comfort the wounded and damaged.  I hope someday you can try to see things the way I do. God bless.