THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU

I’ve decided tojoin on the blogger challenge bandwagon “things I’m afraid to tell you” made widely popular on the blogosphere by Creature Comforts (go read her post…it hits the nail on the head!)


Andddd for those of you too lazy to read all that (tisk! tisk!) she basically paints a beautiful picture about how we all [on social networking sites] seem to play up our life more beautiful than it really is. I agree with her about portraying a groomed portrayal of our lives. I mean, I never share the dirty or ordinary parts of my life. I look happy (&am for the most part) and hilarious (Just go with it…) plus scrubbing toilets over wedding deets isn’t as fun to blog about.

Here are some things I have been deathly afraid to tell you. And I will probably be pushing publish with my eyes closed and then will run outside and play for a couple hours because I’m afraid to see your comments and/or picture your silent judgements. 

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You know only my closest friends really know this stuff….
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Here goes nothing!
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I compare myself to others way too much. I feel like I don’t bring anything positive to the table – in any aspect of my life. I feel as though everyone around me is prettier, smarter, cooler, funnier, richer, etc. etc. (except for some...some people are just plain dumb and ug) It’s exhausting and I often wonder why in the world Matt would want to spend the rest of his life with me or the fact he likes to see me naked…but that’s a whole other blog post.

Anyways, if I didn’t care what people thought so much, I would positively say I was perfectly happy living in my 100 year old house with the love of my life, driving a 2008 car, 1.4 miles from my Mama. So why do I give a flying rip if I’M happy? I feel like others are judging me because I stayed in my hometown. It reminds me of one of my favorite Miranda Lambert songs though….

If I ever left this town
I’d never settle down
I’d just be wandering around
If I ever left this town

If I wasn’t by your side
I’d never be satisfied
Nothin’ would feel just right
If I wasn’t by your side

I just wrote the most depressing paragraph you’ve probably ever read up there but these lyrics are so true. When I wasn’t dating Matt and I wasn’t living here where my roots are I felt completely lost. So I guess I should stop caring.
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Not graduating college yet really wears on me. I mean really really wears on me. I lay awake at night beating myself up over it. I feel like I’ve let my parents down, not that they’ve ever implied that but I’m my own worst critic. I’m pretty sure I have officially decided to go back for Psychology though –VanWilder status here. (accounting is my current major = pound head on table multiple times)
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One of my biggest regrets that I never and I mean never talk about dates back to February of 2011. A few of my classmates and I had planned a Deadwood trip and I decided to sell some concert tickets I had because I needed the extra $100 for Deadwood. So I skipped out on the Blake Shelton concert I had so eagerly bought tickets for. I have alot of regret when it comes to selling those concert tickets. It was planned that I was to meet Thomas there. The last time we spoke was a phone call from him asking if I was still coming down the following night for the concert. Not that I feel like I could have stopped fate but I often think about how I could have at least seen that smile one last time. I think I mentioned this to someone once and they said I couldn’t beat myself up over it and they are definitely right but I always wonder “what if I would have been there…” and “why didn’t God want me there…” & another thing I’m afraid to admit is the fact that I still cry about Thomas' passing. A lot. Oddly, mostly on the sunniest of days and the days I can feel Matt missing him like crazy.
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As much as I can’t wait for little baby Lenzen to arrive I am scared out of my snakeskin boots to
1) go into labor {poop myself and to have my v rip to my b!!}
and
2) to be responsible for another human being!! I mean is that not crazy to anyone else?! I will be in charge of this little creature! I will have to raise “it” to be a functional member of society…I mean am I capable of that?! Hilter and Charles Manson had moms!! & what if they have adhd and are so extremely naughty I want to strangle their brains out? What about cleft palate? I mean…ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I just pray they are healthy and will be happy + well behaved and possibly even cute too. I just get overwhelmed thinking about having to care for another living thing though.

&

Sometimes when I’m with my friends I feel like that will be the last time we’ll ever be able to hang at the lake, have a sleepover, etc. That’s a true depressing moment I don’t mention to my friends because after all, it is what it is and it’s not their problem!!! If you’re my friend and you’re reading this will you reassure me you’ll still be my friend even though I have a mini-me?
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I don’t want to depend on my parents forever for my financial existence. They’ve helped me a lot over the years and have bailed me out of a lot of shiz. I want to be financially set on my own in the future. I don’t want to be banking on their hard earned bucks until I die – that’s their money, savings, etc to spend. They still pay my phone, insurance and car insurance cause they are awesome. Love you lads!
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I obviously hate my body. That’s nothing new to you though. It was terrifying letting you guys know that I was self-conscience when I first published the first post about my weight. I can feel people from my past (who’ve known skinny-me) judge me.... but I can’t let that bother me. I honestly know in my heart that I will get back to my HS weight – because I want it that bad! I’m just on a minor bump in the road with this baby inside me though and can’t go ballz to the wallz with workouts or weight loss/gain per my doctor.
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I want to use all babies breath for floral in our wedding. I can see the snarls now. Keep them to yourself please because something like this is pretty. {and cheap!}

photo credit

 



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That’s mostly everything I’ve been afraid to tell you. My life isn’t as cool as everyone thinks it is (if you do..) lol! I am just an ordinary person trying to make it in this world!

What are you afraid to tell me? I wanna know!! C’mon! I just shared a whole bunch with you. :)