Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Glamorous Life of a Bird Wife: HA!

The devil lives at my house. Although in biblical times he was disguised as a serpent, he has now changed identities and is portraying an “angelic” looking turkey aka HE’S ALL WHITE and I thought he would be nice but he is NOT!!!! I thought when Matt got this thing, it’d be KIND and GENTLE (are you picturing Belle describing the Beast to Gaston…in that voice? Okay, I’m the only freak then.) and wouldn’t like humans and would sympathetically leave me alone. HA!!

This thing has literally been giving me grief. He is like threatened by me, my car or something and is trying to show his dominance but you know what?! IT’S MY EFFING HOUSE and I’m going to show MY dominance! He runs after me when I go outside and so I have to sprint to my car. He runs after my car when I leave the driveway and towards my car when I pull in the driveway. And shocker, he waits for me to get out too and then continues to run after me.

Matt’s like, “Brandi, he’s not going to hurt you.”

……Okay, just because you’re a skilled bird rancher and I’m a measly civilian doesn’t mean he doesn’t have HUGE talons and a fugly beard. I don’t care if he’s just peckin’ at my toes or gawkin’ at my crotch. I’m SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I told him if he doesn’t pen that f***** up I will shoot him. (the bird)

“Don’t think I won’t!!” I said. “My pregnancy hormones are in full bore and I’m sick of that thing!!!!”

He told me to shoot it like I was being dramatic and wouldn’t do it.

I can’t be the only woman in the world who would feel this way. I doubt many would even let him have as many stupid pets as he does (pet rock gal here..) and I am not going to strategically carry in groceries or a NEWBORN baby. That means, if he doesn’t fix something up this weekend, I will have you all over for a turkey supper - Thanksgiving style. My treat!!

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