Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Do you ever have those days (or weeks or months) where you just can’t win? I am having that kind of year and I can’t help but feel like Eeyore. I wish I could publicly explain and discuss some of the things Matt and I are going through as a couple and as individuals trying to deal with our grief from losing Thomas. It really is too personal to post.

I am sure some of you who regularly read my blog are like “Jeez, it’s been 7 months it should be getting better.” Well, it’s not. Grief and losing a loved one and trying to make it through the seasonal/holiday changes is hard. Beyond hard.  A lot of people I try to talk to about this don’t understand or aren’t compassionate to our grief. They don’t realize how much it changes your life and how hard it is to live without someone you were with all the time. Please don't judge another and how they deal until you’ve been in their shoes and viewed life through their eyes.  

Anyways, I’m 22 years old and feel as though I’m stuck in between adolescence and adult world. Which one is it? I’m too old to be acting like a kid yet too young to be dealing with all these emotions, life changing decisions and bills at once? I think that’s how the world works though. It will throw things your way whether you’re ready or not. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with who I am and where I am going.  I’m a planner and I don’t have a plan. It gives me anxiety to no end.

I know. I know. And I’m trying to make the best of every situation and opportunity but sometimes I just feel like I haven’t even got the emotional energy to put my all or even half of all into anything. With school I feel so blah-zay. I hate my business major and everything about it. I’ve been going to school and picking majors for my Mom. Dental Hygiene, Nursing, Accounting, and Business – I hate them all! I picked these majors so I could be financially successful and to make anyone but myself happy. I don’t want to do it. I don't care about money, I just want happiness! I would like to do something that interests me and helps others. I wish my major would just come to me. Spelled out in clouds perhaps? That’d be nice God if you’re reading this.

I can’t seem to find my niche – for anything in life. I don’t want to settle but I am just stating the facts. Maybe my niche is just being mediocre at EVERYTHING. I’m not extremely good at anything or extremely bad…just kinda there. Mediocrity Extrodinaire remember? That’s how I’ve felt my whole entire life. When is my time to shine? When/how will I find what I’m supposed to excel at? When will I find the internal self control to be my best emotionally, in my physical health, writing, school, etc. etc. etc?

Some have such faith in me that I can do it and I just wish I had the same. I feel like my own worst enemy all day everyday. How do I change when I’m the only one who can change me but I don’t feel I have the emotional strength to help myself? I drive myself crazy. I have a wedding in a year and I am in no way prepared physically. I really did “let myself go” so for all of you who talked behind my back – I already knew this. I cannot be this on me and Matthew’s wedding day. I’ll be paranoid and crying about how ugly I feel. I want to feel beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful – inside or out.

I'm just at a loss. Everyday I'm challenged with new things that I wasn't prepared for. Everyday waking up is a battle to make it through the day. I think I need a tattoo that says "just breathe..." to remind me to "just breathe." Also, I want you to know that I'm not one of those people who doesn't appreciate every single day because I do. Ask my friends.. I'm always up for it all because I know I may not have tomorrow. That's just the thing though I'll be like "what's the point of not eating this cookie....if I died tomorrow I'd want to eat this." Well, I think I need to start doing things like it's my last day but not eating that way. Hahaha, omg.......I hope you laughed because I did. Really though, I need to stop thinking I'm going to die tomorrow. Leaving an impression on people as if you were a person who was going to die tomorrow and living and planning as if you were going to live to be 99 would be best.  

I have to find my inner strength somehow, I just haven't yet. Maybe you have to break down to stand back up ya know? I'm going to have to reflect on how I can better myself and STICK WITH IT! That's half the battle, following your plans all the way through. I need some Winnie-the-Pooh and Tiggers out there to help me out and give me some friendly advice ; )


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