Thursday, September 6, 2012

Pre-Mom Jitters

As I’m on my last leg of being what I call a “kangaroo mom” {where I can haul my little buddy around in my belly} I am starting to get nervous to be a real life mom! Maybe all soon-to-be first time mothers feel this way, I’m not sure. I just feel so unprepared, uneasy and unsure of myself. Kind of like it’ll be the blind leading the blind.

Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to meeting baby Lenzen! My mom said I will never love anything more {I said what about Matt?!}. She replied that since I made this miraculous child with the person I love and adore most that baby L will be the branch of our love that will be a love that blows all other love out of the water. And from past experiences, mom’s are always right.

I guess it’s not that I won’t love baby enough {because I love him already} or that I worry that I won’t be a good mom I honestly just worry about EVERYTHING.

“How will I still manage to cook supper, brush my hair, start exercising, keep my house clean, go to school, breastfeed, shave my armpits, fill my deer tags, wax my eyebrows, spend time with my friends, have sex, go to the movies, mow the lawn, save money, etc.?”

I know many moms and dads sacrifice their time because it’s no longer just themselves they have to think about anymore. They move the times they would normally do things to when the kids are asleep and what not. “but can I do this?” I often wonder. “Can I be all these things? A mom, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student, a lover, etc?” – I guess I should have thought about this before I got knocked up, huh? Haha, just kidding! but seriously...J

I just overwhelm myself with thinking! I texted my older sister the other day and I said, “I have no idea how the hell you managed to be a single parent having to take care of Gabby 24/7 {thinking to myself: bathing her, feeding her, taking her to daycare, playing with her, teaching her, disciplining her, etc}, work 20 hours a week, attend college full-time, get your homework done, see your friends once in a while, make time for family.” I feel like I would have gone crazy – but maybe it’s one of those situations you just don’t over think and you just do!

I honestly feel like moms are the super heroes of the world now that I’ve seen a glimpse of how much sacrifice all awesome moms {and dads} have done for their kids. I think after having kids or getting preggers you really have a new understanding and love for your parents. You don’t even realize how much they’ve done for you over the course of your life. I feel like a brat after those nasty teen years!

And I worry about other things as well when it comes to raising our little Hammy:

“What if he doesn’t make it through labor? I would literally want to die. What if he is blind? Or deaf? What if I don’t raise him right and he turns into a mass murderer? What if he struggles in school? What do I do if I catch him smoking weed in high school? What if he chokes on something as a toddler? What if he gets West Nile camping next summer? What if he doesn’t eat his veggies? And God forbid, what if he doesn’t like hunting!? What if! What if! What if!”

 Isn’t my mind just crazy!? I just want to keep him in my back pocket safe from the world J I am going to be the Mom sending her kid to school in bubble wrap and calling every 5 seconds to make sure he’s still breathing. Haha, the teachers will call me "the bat shit crazy mom" All this worry reminds me of this very true quote:

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
-Elizabeth Stone
Anyways, I just hope these pre-mom jitters are normal and I don’t have something psychologically wrong with me! I haven’t even really given labor or a “birth plan” a thought. It’s more the raising aspect and the, “what the hell do I do with this thing?!” when we get home from the hospital that frightens me. I’ll be alright though I suppose, I’m not the first woman to be a mom. I am just so grateful Matt is going to be such a good, helpful dad because I can already see myself worrying myself sick when the baby’s first fever comes and crying myself to sleep when I send our baby to his first day of school. Ahh!
Any parental advice I am open to!

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