We laid a lot of memories down.

This blog post has been a long time coming. It was very uncomfortable for me to think about - let alone post it on my blog. I was afraid if I responded to what some were saying too soon I would be very likely to say things too harshly and therefore piss people off. That would just produce more negative, unneeded energy ya know?

As some of you may know I’ve embarked on a fun journey with Team Beachbody. I am learning new things not only about my physical well-being but also approaching life with a positive mindset. I’m really trying to better myself (and you if you’re ready) in all aspects of my life.

Anyways, February is quickly approaching and although it is also a celebratory month for Matt and I (engaged last February!) we had also lost Thomas exactly a week later. We weren’t really able to celebrate our engagement too long before feeling, well, overwhelmingly sad. Earlier tonight, I told Matt I had been wondering for a good 4 months now about how I will feel and what I will write when that day comes along. Will I write about what I was doing that morning? Will I write about how and when I was told? I mean, will I even want to write at all?

I’m just going to write a little about how I feel now. Now is as good of time as ever to respond to things I have heard several times about me and Thomas’ relationship. Not that I feel that I need to clear things up to others or whatever but if someone had said these things to you about your friend who had passed I think you’d feel something inside you wanting to say something too (even if it takes you a year).

To fill you in, it was mostly people saying that I write too much about Thomas on my blog or Facebook or wherever. It was over-the-top and too much. We weren’t even that close – My fiancé was his friend, I was just Matt’s girlfriend…something along those lines.

My first reaction was to bitch out the people who said those untruthful things. Really though, what good would that do anyone? Mostly the people asking or saying these things were people from my past who maybe I was friends with at one time; however, when we went to college we parted ways for one reason or another. So how could I really be upset that they were saying these things when they didn’t even really know me or my life anymore?

My friends that do know me and know who I spend my time with were the first ones calling and texting me that Saturday. Strange texts that made it obvious to me they knew but wanted to know if I knew first so I wasn’t told the wrong way (like via text message – yikes). Even the two roommates that had met Thomas from when he would stop over on his way home from Brookings got a hold of me to send their prayers and love. I’m crying just thinking of how much love and support I really did get from my friends that maybe I’m just now realizing I had. Does that make any sort of sense?

I can’t really tell people how much time together without trying to sound like I’m selling something. Am I supposed to say that he was the only guy Matt let smack my ass and say, “big booty, big booty!” when he was drunk? Am I supposed to say he loved my French dip sandwiches I made? Am I supposed to say I’d pee with the door open or walk around in my towel with him around? Am I supposed to say Cornuts were our favorite treat to share together? Am I supposed to say he begged me 99,000 times to go out to the bars with them but I always refused?

I mean I don’t know what those people want me to say to their statements. I just felt the need to somewhat address the things that I have had in the back of my mind since I heard them. It kind of was bothering me so much I tried to quit writing on his wall or trying to refrain from sharing memories just because of what people said and that isn’t right either. For my own personal grieving, I feel like I need to do what I deem necessary to keep him alive in my memory and in my life.

 I can’t help if I write about him a lot – I miss him. It’s my outlet. Everyone has something they do when a loved one dies that helps them grieve. I’ve known people who have lost people close to them and working out helped them. They said that if their legs hurt their heart didn’t hurt so much. Same with cleaning – if they were up and keeping things tidy it made them feel a little more satisfied and content - It kept them busy. Must like writing here or in a Word document does this for me.

You know, I can’t show people the late night tears or the long talks with God. I can’t show them the memories I have with Thomas or the emptiness in my heart I feel from missing him. Lastly, I can’t let someone’s words affect how I live my life. I had to address it, get it off my chest and move on.  Remember that people in life are sometimes going to say things about you that aren’t very nice - Do what it takes to constructively liberate yourself and live for what you feel is right in your heart.

Tattoos On This Town by Jason Aldean.