Girl's Gone Child: 21 Weeks

IT'S A BOY :)

I had an unbelievable response to “Things I’m Afraid toTell You” – like, it was overwhelming amazing!! I received so many texts, emails, Facebook messages/posts, etc. I was so happy you didn’t think I was a FREAK and it was so sweet of you to share your secrets with me too! It was actually interesting and refreshing to see how the fears I had, you guys had. They truly were common fears! It just proves we’re all more alike than we sometimes think and that was just an awesome reminder.  

Anyways, I feel like SO much has gone on since the last time I posted! And I am SO sorry! I have been so busy with mandatory 2 hour overtime per day at work and going balls to the walls with my medical transcription school so I can *hopefully* work from home after maternity leave.  

Now for the week 21 baby questions! (Week 22 will be up soon since I am actually 22 weeks today! I’m a little behind okay) 

How far along? 21weeks! 

Total weight gain:-13 lbs

Maternity clothes? No"maternity" clothes but definitely rocking the yoga pants and maxi dresses like a mother…ha, literally.

Stretch marks? None that weren’t there before!

Sleep: Well, let’s see…The days I don’t work I go to bed at 9 or 10. I’ll wake up at around 9 and then nap from 1-5 or 6. REPEAT. I get so tired I can’t even keep my eyes open.

Best moment this week: Finding out he/she is a HE!!!!!!

Miss Anything? Rum + Coke.

Movement: The ultrasound tech. and the doctors say they haven’t seen a baby move like ‘this’ in a long time. I pray that doesn’t mean adhd or a baby who doesn’t like to cuddle.

Food cravings: I dreamt about crinkle cut fries on Sunday night and was jonesin’ for some. It was Memorial Day though and no place was open. And I would kill someone for an Arby’s roast beef sandwich right now.

Anything making you queasy or sick: cigarettes, burnt maple bacon (oops), Matt if he hasn’t showered, seeing bird shit everywhere. UGH.

Gender: BOY!! (I pray our next one is a girl and then we can be D-O-N-E!)

Labor Signs: None.

Symptoms: Tired but other than that, I feel super good!

Belly Button in or out? INNY

Wedding rings on or off? on

Happy or Moody most of the time: Depends on when/where you catch me ;) it could be a smile one minute and bite-your-bloody-head off the next.

Looking forward to: The baby shower!! Lumberjack themed (because themed parties are more fun) Sunday, July 29th…invites will be mailed soon! I hope to see your smiling mustaches there ;)

THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU

I’ve decided tojoin on the blogger challenge bandwagon “things I’m afraid to tell you” made widely popular on the blogosphere by Creature Comforts (go read her post…it hits the nail on the head!)


Andddd for those of you too lazy to read all that (tisk! tisk!) she basically paints a beautiful picture about how we all [on social networking sites] seem to play up our life more beautiful than it really is. I agree with her about portraying a groomed portrayal of our lives. I mean, I never share the dirty or ordinary parts of my life. I look happy (&am for the most part) and hilarious (Just go with it…) plus scrubbing toilets over wedding deets isn’t as fun to blog about.

Here are some things I have been deathly afraid to tell you. And I will probably be pushing publish with my eyes closed and then will run outside and play for a couple hours because I’m afraid to see your comments and/or picture your silent judgements. 

.
.
.
.

You know only my closest friends really know this stuff….
.
.
.
.
Here goes nothing!
.
.
.
.

I compare myself to others way too much. I feel like I don’t bring anything positive to the table – in any aspect of my life. I feel as though everyone around me is prettier, smarter, cooler, funnier, richer, etc. etc. (except for some...some people are just plain dumb and ug) It’s exhausting and I often wonder why in the world Matt would want to spend the rest of his life with me or the fact he likes to see me naked…but that’s a whole other blog post.

Anyways, if I didn’t care what people thought so much, I would positively say I was perfectly happy living in my 100 year old house with the love of my life, driving a 2008 car, 1.4 miles from my Mama. So why do I give a flying rip if I’M happy? I feel like others are judging me because I stayed in my hometown. It reminds me of one of my favorite Miranda Lambert songs though….

If I ever left this town
I’d never settle down
I’d just be wandering around
If I ever left this town

If I wasn’t by your side
I’d never be satisfied
Nothin’ would feel just right
If I wasn’t by your side

I just wrote the most depressing paragraph you’ve probably ever read up there but these lyrics are so true. When I wasn’t dating Matt and I wasn’t living here where my roots are I felt completely lost. So I guess I should stop caring.
.
.
.
.
Not graduating college yet really wears on me. I mean really really wears on me. I lay awake at night beating myself up over it. I feel like I’ve let my parents down, not that they’ve ever implied that but I’m my own worst critic. I’m pretty sure I have officially decided to go back for Psychology though –VanWilder status here. (accounting is my current major = pound head on table multiple times)
.
.
.
.
One of my biggest regrets that I never and I mean never talk about dates back to February of 2011. A few of my classmates and I had planned a Deadwood trip and I decided to sell some concert tickets I had because I needed the extra $100 for Deadwood. So I skipped out on the Blake Shelton concert I had so eagerly bought tickets for. I have alot of regret when it comes to selling those concert tickets. It was planned that I was to meet Thomas there. The last time we spoke was a phone call from him asking if I was still coming down the following night for the concert. Not that I feel like I could have stopped fate but I often think about how I could have at least seen that smile one last time. I think I mentioned this to someone once and they said I couldn’t beat myself up over it and they are definitely right but I always wonder “what if I would have been there…” and “why didn’t God want me there…” & another thing I’m afraid to admit is the fact that I still cry about Thomas' passing. A lot. Oddly, mostly on the sunniest of days and the days I can feel Matt missing him like crazy.
.
.
.
.
As much as I can’t wait for little baby Lenzen to arrive I am scared out of my snakeskin boots to
1) go into labor {poop myself and to have my v rip to my b!!}
and
2) to be responsible for another human being!! I mean is that not crazy to anyone else?! I will be in charge of this little creature! I will have to raise “it” to be a functional member of society…I mean am I capable of that?! Hilter and Charles Manson had moms!! & what if they have adhd and are so extremely naughty I want to strangle their brains out? What about cleft palate? I mean…ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I just pray they are healthy and will be happy + well behaved and possibly even cute too. I just get overwhelmed thinking about having to care for another living thing though.

&

Sometimes when I’m with my friends I feel like that will be the last time we’ll ever be able to hang at the lake, have a sleepover, etc. That’s a true depressing moment I don’t mention to my friends because after all, it is what it is and it’s not their problem!!! If you’re my friend and you’re reading this will you reassure me you’ll still be my friend even though I have a mini-me?
.
.
.
.
I don’t want to depend on my parents forever for my financial existence. They’ve helped me a lot over the years and have bailed me out of a lot of shiz. I want to be financially set on my own in the future. I don’t want to be banking on their hard earned bucks until I die – that’s their money, savings, etc to spend. They still pay my phone, insurance and car insurance cause they are awesome. Love you lads!
.
.
.
.
I obviously hate my body. That’s nothing new to you though. It was terrifying letting you guys know that I was self-conscience when I first published the first post about my weight. I can feel people from my past (who’ve known skinny-me) judge me.... but I can’t let that bother me. I honestly know in my heart that I will get back to my HS weight – because I want it that bad! I’m just on a minor bump in the road with this baby inside me though and can’t go ballz to the wallz with workouts or weight loss/gain per my doctor.
.
.
.
.
I want to use all babies breath for floral in our wedding. I can see the snarls now. Keep them to yourself please because something like this is pretty. {and cheap!}

photo credit

 



.
.
.
.

That’s mostly everything I’ve been afraid to tell you. My life isn’t as cool as everyone thinks it is (if you do..) lol! I am just an ordinary person trying to make it in this world!

What are you afraid to tell me? I wanna know!! C’mon! I just shared a whole bunch with you. :)

Career Step with Career Step

This is literally a career step with Career Step. Cheesy but true.

How did I come across Career Step?

Well, as many of my friends and family know I’ve been battling choosing a college major for the last 5 years (becoming Van Wilder status soon). This past Christmas break really made me anxious. I knew I hated my college major and wouldn’t want to do anything in that field. I felt as though I was continuously wasting my parent’s money if I kept going for something I hated. It was really starting to take a toll on me – I literally couldn’t sleep most nights.  

Anyways, I was on my way to work one day and on the radio it announced a work-at-home Medical Transcriptioning seminar would be at the Ramkota that night. I decided right then it wouldn’t hurt just to go. The following week was school and I’d spent the entire weekend in tears with Matt about what I should do regarding college. So at that moment pooper scooper with the circus sounded appealing!

So I went. . .

& obviously loved it. . .

I really did!! I left in tears so RELIEVED that I had finally found what I wanted to do. Although, I know no little girl grows up replying to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “a medical transcriptionist!” I was excited to be pursuing something I would like! (My answer to the question when I was little was, “a Miss America waitress” – I remember thinking they were both soo glamorous when I was little. Haha!)

So here I am! A couple months after that seminar and ready to begin! The entire course usually takes 4 months when you work on it full time so I will be spending the rest of the spring/summer swimming in my pool and studying/testing to complete it all before my little Hammy Lenzen pops out and takes over!  

For those wondering {my MOM(s) & DAD(s)} I do want to get my Bachelor’s degree someday but for right now I just feel like it’s not for me. I need to maybe discover more likes/dislikes and pursue something I really care about. Who knows though! Maybe working from home and doing Medical Transcriptioning is something that will fit my lifestyle of being a mother (milf - if you will), wife and friend and I will never want to leave. I try not to plan out my future too far anymore because I’ve never ended up where I thought I’d be! Which is NOT a bad thing – just a different thing! Never expected to live in GC, fall in love with Matt and get preggers before I was married, etc. Hehe!

Rolling with the flow for now so wish me luck!

Fun Fact that really is just random: **My mother was also a Medical Transcriptionist along with my Aunt Amy (the one who paid for this freakin’ sweet blog!) so it runs in the fam dam! So does sarcasm and good looks ;)**

Insecure

This is how I feel everyday.

Well, if the title isn’t blunt enough…..

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say but couldn’t and wouldn’t. I’m dealing with situations now that I never dreamt I would be. And I don’t want to “sugar coat” (pun intended) the truth about how I feel about myself any longer.

As many of you know, I’m now a Beachbody Coach! I own my own business and help others work towards and REACH their fitness goals. A lot of people have told me they are “watching me” – watching my progress to see how well the fitness program I’ve chosen and Shakeology are working for me.

Well, now that I’m preggers I cannot, in any way, reach the physical goals I had set for myself in the beginning. I feel like I let myself and those around me down in a weird way. I have been going through this realm of emotions – like hourly – that go from excited to nervous to scared to sad.

Excited because I will have a precious (& hopefully healthy) baby boy or girl – (ps: Matt and I are still like, “I can’t believe I’m carrying MATT LENZEN’S baby!” and he’s like, “I cannot believe you are pregnant with MY kid!” – Anyone that knew us from High School can tell you why it’s bizarre. On a side note does anyone remember those silk button up dragon shirts he used to wear? LOL!!)

Nervous and Scared because I know N-O-T-H-I-N-G about motherhood, hanging out with a baby OR the entire human race….how do you raise children to be functional members of society and know won’t turn out to be Hitler or Charles Manson-esque. They had mother’s too ya know!

Sad because I feel like my whole life is about to change. Everything I’ve ever known is going to be so different. My 3 best friends aren’t engaged, pregnant or even dating! I feel like their lives are just beginning and mine is already figured out for me. (This is my selfish hormonal rage…I’m blaming it on that anyways.) I guess that’s what I get for spreading my legs!But again, I’m told it’s worth it.

Anyways, I’m also feeling an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. To be completely honest, I’ve went a long time without admitting how insecure I REALLY am. I never would admit to anyone – myself included – that I hate how I look, feel, etc. I feel FUGLY regardless of what you, my mom or God think.

I feel as though my whole body already looks like cottage cheese and I wanted to look good this summer! I’m horrified as to how I will look and feel this summer and my friends’ weddings. I’m crying thinking about it actually. And I sound so dang selfish!!

I am trying my best to stay positive and I have reevaluated my goals. Because being morbidly obese (that’s fun to say about myself) I can actually lose a tiny bit of weight during pregnancy and be completely fine. My new goal is 4 lbs/month with still eating the right amount of calories for me and baby + exercising safely. I plan on doing my Slim in 6 video which is mostly made up of cardio, resistance training and 100,000 squats. I can do it all minus the ab portion. I also plan on walking and doing a Beachbody baby yoga video later in my pregnancy.)

I guess I just get down because I cannot do what I had my mind set on. I’ve always been known as an extrovert and the past couple years I can REALLY feel my weight has affected that. That’s why anytime someone BEGS me to go to the bar or do this or that I usually make up an excuse as to why I can’t. Sad, but true.

What kind of LIFE is THAT?! That’s NOT how I pictured myself living. That’s why becoming a Beachbody Coach has literally, been the best thing in the ENTIRE universe for me. I never ever would have stuck with eating right/exercising this long. I encourage you to ask me about it! There are amazing opportunities – not only health wise but $ wise!

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to let the world know that I, Brandi Mother-Bleepin’ Carpenter, gets insecure sometimes too. I honestly am my own worst critic. I compare myself to myself. I look at pictures from 4-5 years ago and I think, “How the EFF did I let myself gain 100 lbs????? How the EFF does someone do that?????” I did though and it’s time to face it, slowly conquer it and MOVE on. I’m gonna do it even with this beautiful baby detour!! J

For those of you who are better with visual:

2007

 2011

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Crunch Time Wedding Planning

I know, I know. I've wrote posts on wedding planning before months and months ago before I was really, really preparing for our big day! We are in crunch mode now with baby on the way. We want mostly everything prepared and ready to go by the time he/she gets here so it's a little less stressful and a lot less work!

My mom-in-law and I have been getting together almost every Saturday night to work on the crafty stuff and I'm trying to get everything in order! My mind was spinning a bit so I bought these 3 books off of Amazon (they came in a set for $40) to keep me in order : )

I wish I could tell you everything we're working on! It's so hard not to want to bust at the seams I'm so excited about it all!

Thank you Dollar Tree for saving me money on MOSS! Haha! Are you thinkin' what the bloody hell?? : )

How we told our Mother's we are preggers.

{pins custom made by Buttonit on Etsy}

Well, if you haven't noticed my Facebook page or the title to this blog entry....Matthew and I are expecting our first baby. "Hammy" as I like to call them. I liked the name Hamilton so I could call them, "my little hammy" but Matt shot that down like it was a tirty point buck.

So there we were 7 home pregnancy tests and a clinic visit later confirming we were pregnant. After the doctor's, "everything happens for a reason - it's all God's plan" pep-talk and the panic settled I got excited and wanted to think of a fun way to tell our parents.

When my "Grammy Ratliff" was alive she always and I do mean always wore a 'Grandma' pin. Missing her is a whole other bajillion blog posts. Anyways, I found these adorable pins on etsy and immediately had the owner custom make one for each of our mom's. (It's my mom's first grandbaby so I wanted it to be extra special and memorable for her).

"Mimi" for Matt's mom because her only grandson calls her that already.

"Grammy" for my mom because that's what we always called my grandma.

"Grandma" for my step-mom because I knew she wouldn't like "mee-maw" (my dad is a thorough bred Kentucky native ya'll)

Anyways, my Grandma's birthday is March 2nd and usually my mom and I get together and do something every year (like eat her favorite food - nachos). We had it all planned and bringing a gift bag didn't seem odd either since I usually buy her a cross with a verse or an angel for her on my Grammy's birthday. I had to mail my step-mom's and I told Matt's mom it was a get-well present.

I wrote them all 3 a card being discreet and just telling them how grateful I was God has brought them into my life and how someday I hope to be as great of mother's they have been. Here's what I wrote in my Mom's:

Happy Birthday to Grammy!!

I know you miss her. I miss her too. Sometimes it still doesn't feel that long ago we were visiting or spending holidays together. She was truly the epitome of magnificent. She was a beautiful person and an even better Grammy. I can't wait until the day my babies are your grandbabies. After all, I will have learned to be the best mother because of you and I know you will someday be the best Grammy because of Grandma. You are my rock. I love you more than anything Ma! Now, let's celebrate Grammy's birthday the way she'd want us to. NACHOS!!!!!!!!!

Brandi

She never suspected that the present would be a 'Grammy TO BE' pin. She was like, "REALLY?!" and my step-dad says, "It's a grandma pin isn't it!?" and my brother jumped up to see it and the rest is basically history. I swear my mom was on the Kohl's website faster than I could say baby. She's ready to go all out ;)

So supposedly I'm due 10-11-12 and I'm literally worried constantly. Maybe it's a pregnant lady thing? I just can't stop thinking miscarriage or birth defect. I'm such a worry wart as it is and I feel as though motherhood may age me! Please pray for my baby's health and my stress free peace!

God Bless everyone and thank you so much for the joyful comments, texts, phone calls, etc.

The 14 Days of Valentine's Day

 {This card was there the first day and then a handmade card that each day I wrote a new reason as to why I love him. I figured you guys don't wanna see that mushy stuff. Oh! and yes, that says Sheep - he calls me that sometimes.}

Valentine’s Day is finally here and there are some who are  loving the day and others loathing it! I, myself, have always been pretty neutral – whether single or taken I just thought it was kind of a cliché holiday. I do think it’s fun to see all sorts of pink, red and hearts and also sympathize for those of you out there feelin’ lonely. Just remember your man is out there and you may have to date a lot of d-bags in tinfoil to find your knight in shining armor. J

Anyways, I had been pondering v-day ideas for Matt mid-January. Pretty much anything he likes is hunting, fishing or engine related. Most of that would cost me an arm and a leg unless I was to get him his 200th daredevil lure (and he owns multiples of anything and everything). So I decided to get 14 different candies and find cute little sayings to go with them.

I googled and pinterested some candy saying ideas and started visiting Dollar Tree and Target/Runnings’ dollar sections on my work breaks.  So I spent $14 bucks and Matt loved it! He was surprised every morning for 14 days (well, 12 since his appendix was taken out Saturday and I gave him his last two today). I thought it turned out cute!

{I apologize for the crappy pictures – my camera bugged out and so I had to use the good ol’ Blackberry AND most were taken at like, 6 am}




I'm stuck on you!




I'm NUTS about YOU!





My life would be "un-bear-able" without you!

 

 

 



You're worth more than 100 grand!

 

 

 

 



Our life may be a CIRCUS, but I'm glad it's with YOU!

 

 

 



Some kisses for you. xoxo.

 

 

 



You o'fish'ally have my heart forever!

 

 

 



It's a joy to love you!

 

 

 



I'd be in knots without you!

 

 

 



You BLOW my mind!

 

 



Have a GREAT day! Love from your favorite Airhead.

 



You're more precious than gold.

 



Will you o'fish'ally be my valentine? 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

my gift

 the guy just knows.

. . .

.

. . .

.

. . .

.

. . .

.

. . .

.

I love you Matthew. My fairytale started from that moment. God couldn't have crafted anyone more perfect for me than you. You are simply amazing. 

.

.

.

.

Enjoy your Valentine's day sparklers. Make it a great day valentine or no valentine.  



What I've Learned

I was reflecting this morning on the year and wanted to briefly share with you what I’ve learned. My perspective on what success means and how to train myself to think positively have all been transformed over the course of the year. I really don’t wish bad things upon anyone but I know that every hard time brings some sort of goodness. The good from the bad has helped freshen my view on life and helped me to breathe a bit easier.

In the past year I have learned to turn:

 sadness into bliss.

hard work into progress.

gut feelings into decisions.

time into treasure.

tears into laughter.

happiness into success.

memories into wealth.

tomorrow into today.

Don't the trees look gorgeous? 

Major Hodgepodge

Just feelin’ a little blue today.

.

Talked to my best friend, Bre {made her the TX basket}, today and it was good to hear her voice but it made me miss her even more. And last night, I was looking at pictures of Thomas with Matt, it’s hard not to feel happy and sad at the same time when you see his smile. I dreamt about him again last night. It’s hard because in my dreams I hear his laugh so vibrant and real and then I have to wake up. It makes for a hard morning. Maybe it’s just the dread of February, I don’t know. 

.

In, other news, I am excited to go over to my future mom-in-law’s and start on the first DIY wedding crafts I have up my sleeve! We aren’t getting married until September of 2013 but it will be here before we know it and I want to take my time and enjoy the process. We are also going to be crafting under the influence so it shall be interesting.

.

Tomorrow I share with you the end of week 2’s result for weightloss with Shakeologyand Slim in 6{a workout program through Beachbody !} You will be astounded. : ) and if you already didn’t know I am officially a Beachbody Coach and am excited to help motivate and encourage others as I journey through this transition physically and mentally myself! I’ve literally never been more pumped in my life.  

Have you ever just felt in your heart that you were meant to do something and just knew it was the right time – it just felt right? This is how I feel about being a Coach with Beachbody! This is going to be the company that gets me physically, mentally and financially fit. I’m beyond excited to prove myself I can do anything I put my mind to. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemies with telling ourselves we can’t do something!

Lindsay never gave up on me and I finally came around! I’m ready to help you if you’re ready and willing for me to let you. You can add me on Facebook or e-mail me at brandi_babe35@hotmail.com {I made that e-mail in literally like 8^th grade so don’t poke fun. It’s my favorite e-mail and I would say a step up from bronco_girl39 which I was in the elementary/early jr. high days!}

Don’t wait for tomorrow for tomorrow may never come!! Today could be the first day of the rest of your life ya know? And I mean, If I can do it YOU can do it! It’s time to get you out of that rut!!

More to come on this subject in the future!! J

.



Some motivating Disney quotes to get you excited to join me on my journey with Shakeology and your choice of a Beachbody program!! : ) I'm tellin' ya this is the REAL deal

***My blog is almost done being designed!! My mouth dropped last night when my blog designer from Studio Chic sent me the logo to approve! It’s very jah-jah and wonderful. J Can’t wait to share!

We laid a lot of memories down.

This blog post has been a long time coming. It was very uncomfortable for me to think about - let alone post it on my blog. I was afraid if I responded to what some were saying too soon I would be very likely to say things too harshly and therefore piss people off. That would just produce more negative, unneeded energy ya know?

As some of you may know I’ve embarked on a fun journey with Team Beachbody. I am learning new things not only about my physical well-being but also approaching life with a positive mindset. I’m really trying to better myself (and you if you’re ready) in all aspects of my life.

Anyways, February is quickly approaching and although it is also a celebratory month for Matt and I (engaged last February!) we had also lost Thomas exactly a week later. We weren’t really able to celebrate our engagement too long before feeling, well, overwhelmingly sad. Earlier tonight, I told Matt I had been wondering for a good 4 months now about how I will feel and what I will write when that day comes along. Will I write about what I was doing that morning? Will I write about how and when I was told? I mean, will I even want to write at all?

I’m just going to write a little about how I feel now. Now is as good of time as ever to respond to things I have heard several times about me and Thomas’ relationship. Not that I feel that I need to clear things up to others or whatever but if someone had said these things to you about your friend who had passed I think you’d feel something inside you wanting to say something too (even if it takes you a year).

To fill you in, it was mostly people saying that I write too much about Thomas on my blog or Facebook or wherever. It was over-the-top and too much. We weren’t even that close – My fiancé was his friend, I was just Matt’s girlfriend…something along those lines.

My first reaction was to bitch out the people who said those untruthful things. Really though, what good would that do anyone? Mostly the people asking or saying these things were people from my past who maybe I was friends with at one time; however, when we went to college we parted ways for one reason or another. So how could I really be upset that they were saying these things when they didn’t even really know me or my life anymore?

My friends that do know me and know who I spend my time with were the first ones calling and texting me that Saturday. Strange texts that made it obvious to me they knew but wanted to know if I knew first so I wasn’t told the wrong way (like via text message – yikes). Even the two roommates that had met Thomas from when he would stop over on his way home from Brookings got a hold of me to send their prayers and love. I’m crying just thinking of how much love and support I really did get from my friends that maybe I’m just now realizing I had. Does that make any sort of sense?

I can’t really tell people how much time together without trying to sound like I’m selling something. Am I supposed to say that he was the only guy Matt let smack my ass and say, “big booty, big booty!” when he was drunk? Am I supposed to say he loved my French dip sandwiches I made? Am I supposed to say I’d pee with the door open or walk around in my towel with him around? Am I supposed to say Cornuts were our favorite treat to share together? Am I supposed to say he begged me 99,000 times to go out to the bars with them but I always refused?

I mean I don’t know what those people want me to say to their statements. I just felt the need to somewhat address the things that I have had in the back of my mind since I heard them. It kind of was bothering me so much I tried to quit writing on his wall or trying to refrain from sharing memories just because of what people said and that isn’t right either. For my own personal grieving, I feel like I need to do what I deem necessary to keep him alive in my memory and in my life.

 I can’t help if I write about him a lot – I miss him. It’s my outlet. Everyone has something they do when a loved one dies that helps them grieve. I’ve known people who have lost people close to them and working out helped them. They said that if their legs hurt their heart didn’t hurt so much. Same with cleaning – if they were up and keeping things tidy it made them feel a little more satisfied and content - It kept them busy. Must like writing here or in a Word document does this for me.

You know, I can’t show people the late night tears or the long talks with God. I can’t show them the memories I have with Thomas or the emptiness in my heart I feel from missing him. Lastly, I can’t let someone’s words affect how I live my life. I had to address it, get it off my chest and move on.  Remember that people in life are sometimes going to say things about you that aren’t very nice - Do what it takes to constructively liberate yourself and live for what you feel is right in your heart.

Tattoos On This Town by Jason Aldean.

You are your best you because of you!

People are going to tell you YOU can’t do something. Unfortunately, even people that are closest to you – parents, best friends, etc. That’s when you have to disregard what they’re telling you and listen to your gut. What is YOUR gut telling you? Is this the right thing for you?

If it is then continue on – prove those people wrong and work as hard as you can! If it isn’t for you – is it really THAT huge of a loss? Life is about living and learning. Each lesson from every trial and error can be taken to the next lesson of your life. Believe it or not error helps you find YOU! Would you be the same person today if you didn’t go through the triumphs or heartaches of yesterday? Absolutely not.

I also want you to think long, often and hard before you give up. Ask yourself if you’ve really put everything you had into whatever it is that sparked your passion and curiosity in the first place. Do your BEST and THEN move on from it if it wasn’t meant for you. It’s really as simple as that.

There are always going to be people that are NOT cheerleading for you. There won’t be people on the sidelines with old school sweaters with your initials stitched on them shouting at the top of their lungs about how awesome you are! What matters most is your inner-cheerleader telling you can/will do it. Only your inner-cheerleader can really motivate you to do what it is that needs to be done. (Is anyone else picturing the clip from Aladdin with the Genie dressed as a cheerleader? Click here to see what I'm talking about.)

Focus on your goal and work hard every day to get there – pat yourself on the back if you worked so hard for something that you never thought you could do! The people that love you will disregard your crazy ass and stick by you as you conquer the world. Go out there and find YOUR dream and do whatever it takes to get it. Take it one day at a time.

“Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?” – The Help (PLEASE go click on the word The Help and watch the video clip that goes along with this quote. Oh! & if you haven't seen the movie you're missing out!)