Insecure

This is how I feel everyday.

Well, if the title isn’t blunt enough…..

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say but couldn’t and wouldn’t. I’m dealing with situations now that I never dreamt I would be. And I don’t want to “sugar coat” (pun intended) the truth about how I feel about myself any longer.

As many of you know, I’m now a Beachbody Coach! I own my own business and help others work towards and REACH their fitness goals. A lot of people have told me they are “watching me” – watching my progress to see how well the fitness program I’ve chosen and Shakeology are working for me.

Well, now that I’m preggers I cannot, in any way, reach the physical goals I had set for myself in the beginning. I feel like I let myself and those around me down in a weird way. I have been going through this realm of emotions – like hourly – that go from excited to nervous to scared to sad.

Excited because I will have a precious (& hopefully healthy) baby boy or girl – (ps: Matt and I are still like, “I can’t believe I’m carrying MATT LENZEN’S baby!” and he’s like, “I cannot believe you are pregnant with MY kid!” – Anyone that knew us from High School can tell you why it’s bizarre. On a side note does anyone remember those silk button up dragon shirts he used to wear? LOL!!)

Nervous and Scared because I know N-O-T-H-I-N-G about motherhood, hanging out with a baby OR the entire human race….how do you raise children to be functional members of society and know won’t turn out to be Hitler or Charles Manson-esque. They had mother’s too ya know!

Sad because I feel like my whole life is about to change. Everything I’ve ever known is going to be so different. My 3 best friends aren’t engaged, pregnant or even dating! I feel like their lives are just beginning and mine is already figured out for me. (This is my selfish hormonal rage…I’m blaming it on that anyways.) I guess that’s what I get for spreading my legs!But again, I’m told it’s worth it.

Anyways, I’m also feeling an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. To be completely honest, I’ve went a long time without admitting how insecure I REALLY am. I never would admit to anyone – myself included – that I hate how I look, feel, etc. I feel FUGLY regardless of what you, my mom or God think.

I feel as though my whole body already looks like cottage cheese and I wanted to look good this summer! I’m horrified as to how I will look and feel this summer and my friends’ weddings. I’m crying thinking about it actually. And I sound so dang selfish!!

I am trying my best to stay positive and I have reevaluated my goals. Because being morbidly obese (that’s fun to say about myself) I can actually lose a tiny bit of weight during pregnancy and be completely fine. My new goal is 4 lbs/month with still eating the right amount of calories for me and baby + exercising safely. I plan on doing my Slim in 6 video which is mostly made up of cardio, resistance training and 100,000 squats. I can do it all minus the ab portion. I also plan on walking and doing a Beachbody baby yoga video later in my pregnancy.)

I guess I just get down because I cannot do what I had my mind set on. I’ve always been known as an extrovert and the past couple years I can REALLY feel my weight has affected that. That’s why anytime someone BEGS me to go to the bar or do this or that I usually make up an excuse as to why I can’t. Sad, but true.

What kind of LIFE is THAT?! That’s NOT how I pictured myself living. That’s why becoming a Beachbody Coach has literally, been the best thing in the ENTIRE universe for me. I never ever would have stuck with eating right/exercising this long. I encourage you to ask me about it! There are amazing opportunities – not only health wise but $ wise!

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to let the world know that I, Brandi Mother-Bleepin’ Carpenter, gets insecure sometimes too. I honestly am my own worst critic. I compare myself to myself. I look at pictures from 4-5 years ago and I think, “How the EFF did I let myself gain 100 lbs????? How the EFF does someone do that?????” I did though and it’s time to face it, slowly conquer it and MOVE on. I’m gonna do it even with this beautiful baby detour!! J

For those of you who are better with visual:

2007

 2011

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Major Hodgepodge

Just feelin’ a little blue today.

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Talked to my best friend, Bre {made her the TX basket}, today and it was good to hear her voice but it made me miss her even more. And last night, I was looking at pictures of Thomas with Matt, it’s hard not to feel happy and sad at the same time when you see his smile. I dreamt about him again last night. It’s hard because in my dreams I hear his laugh so vibrant and real and then I have to wake up. It makes for a hard morning. Maybe it’s just the dread of February, I don’t know. 

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In, other news, I am excited to go over to my future mom-in-law’s and start on the first DIY wedding crafts I have up my sleeve! We aren’t getting married until September of 2013 but it will be here before we know it and I want to take my time and enjoy the process. We are also going to be crafting under the influence so it shall be interesting.

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Tomorrow I share with you the end of week 2’s result for weightloss with Shakeologyand Slim in 6{a workout program through Beachbody !} You will be astounded. : ) and if you already didn’t know I am officially a Beachbody Coach and am excited to help motivate and encourage others as I journey through this transition physically and mentally myself! I’ve literally never been more pumped in my life.  

Have you ever just felt in your heart that you were meant to do something and just knew it was the right time – it just felt right? This is how I feel about being a Coach with Beachbody! This is going to be the company that gets me physically, mentally and financially fit. I’m beyond excited to prove myself I can do anything I put my mind to. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemies with telling ourselves we can’t do something!

Lindsay never gave up on me and I finally came around! I’m ready to help you if you’re ready and willing for me to let you. You can add me on Facebook or e-mail me at brandi_babe35@hotmail.com {I made that e-mail in literally like 8^th grade so don’t poke fun. It’s my favorite e-mail and I would say a step up from bronco_girl39 which I was in the elementary/early jr. high days!}

Don’t wait for tomorrow for tomorrow may never come!! Today could be the first day of the rest of your life ya know? And I mean, If I can do it YOU can do it! It’s time to get you out of that rut!!

More to come on this subject in the future!! J

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Some motivating Disney quotes to get you excited to join me on my journey with Shakeology and your choice of a Beachbody program!! : ) I'm tellin' ya this is the REAL deal

***My blog is almost done being designed!! My mouth dropped last night when my blog designer from Studio Chic sent me the logo to approve! It’s very jah-jah and wonderful. J Can’t wait to share!